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House Haunted By Elks Club Members |
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Hank Williams Jr. Honored By Institute For Football Preparedness |
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Monster Truck Chased Down By Torch-Wielding Regular Trucks |
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SL 2001 In Brief
Jordan and Taterka Jointly Announce They Have No Idea about How to Run a Rotten Team or How to Stay Retired
DeKALB, IL— GMs Michael Jordan and Bob Taterka together held a news conference and admitted they aren't as adept at running bad teams as they are at doing other stuff. Additionally, they each retired and un-retired 4 times during the conference. The news conference was held to promote Space Jam 2, in which Jordan will again play a retired basketball star lured back to play by an animated character, this time by Jar Jar Binks, played by GM Taterka. Taterka, who earlier appeared as Ken Klein in the Summer League movie, is cast in a triple role as Binks and the basketball announcing team of Jack Buck and Pat Hughes. At the news conference, Taterka beat Jordan in the OurHouse.com Attendance Game.
Muslims Denounce Bin Laden, Satan, and Practice of Switching Bonds and Sheffield on the Outfield Wings
MECCA, SAUDI ARABIA— Muslim leaders collectively decried Osama bin Laden, Satan and Steve Swinea's pre-season decision to sometimes switch Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield in left field and right field. Muslim cleric Muhammad Amin said that Islam translates to peace, and that bin Laden, Satan, and Swinea's plan all reek of war, pestilence and evil, and specifically in the case of Swinea, alot of wasted time during Internet play. Amin then clarified his position on Swinea, saying though the Bridgeport Owner/GM/Manager is late all the time and employs evil plans, that doesn't mean he is pure evil. The cleric then quipped, "but the only things holy about Swinea are his shirts."
"Golden Graham" to Undergo ERA Reduction Surgery at Season's End
ARVADA, CO— After enduring a bloated and painful 2001 of 6 and 7 pitchers, some with ERAs that high, Golden Shower Owner/GM/Manager Graham Haas has announced he will undergo a new cosmetic procedure to help him in 2002 and beyond. The second most potent offense in SL history did not help Golden pitchers Jeff Weaver, Glendon Rusch, and (for the first 40) Jon Lieber, who combined to go 11-33 with an ERA of 6.59. Haas feels the surgery will help build a more appealing look for the future, and said his team will "feel like a new woman." No comment on whether penile reduction surgery is being planned, but Haas is investigating hat size reduction surgery.
John Rocker Breaks Silence - "Hijackers are Terrible Drivers, Too"
MARIETTA, GA— In a rambling, profanity-laced interview at his off-season Georgia home, Valhalla Vikings reliever John Rocker ripped into the September 11th hijackers. "They drive like blind Chinese women. Anyone who hijacks a plane would know how to miss hitting the World Trade Center, or the Pentagon. The jerks probably cut some planes off before they hit them, too. And if you ask me, they should've hijacked the New York E Train. That train's filled with a bunch of losers." Vikings Owner/GM/Manager Joe Hauser would not comment on a potential sanction against Rocker, but he did say he was seeking out Bulls point guard Khalid El-Amin, the only Muslim from from the state of Minnesota, to talk with Rocker.
Griswold Survives September 11th, Can't Survive Todd Pearl*
GRISWOLD, IA— Though they escaped major terrorist plots on September 11, 2001, the Iowa farming town of Griswold was unable to escape the heinous deeds of Todd Pearl* later that month. Playing under the alias of Todd Pearl*, Jeff Tam was able to hijack the playoff hopes of Owner/GM/Manager Dave Basler and his team. Doug Rau, the Rust spring training pitching instructor in Boca Raton, FL, noted Tam "was always more interested in learning how to groove pitches than with learning how to land saves." Boca Raton neighbors added Tam was a quiet type, who said hello, but usually kept to himself. Investigators are now trying to determine if a mid-season hit by pitch injury epidemic was really biochemical warfare in which Tam played a role. Tam was last seen boarding a crop-dusting plane following game 162.
Hawaiian Legislature Rules 'Day of Infamy' No Longer Pearl Harbor Day, Now Draft Day 2001
HONOLULU, HA— In a surprise ruling, the state legislature of Hawaii has voted into law a resolution that re-states the "Day of Infamy" as Draft Day 2001. Previously the moniker referred to December 7, 1941, the day the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor and killed thousands of US serviceman and crippled our nation's Pacific fleet. Said Daniel Fujimori, Speaker of the Hawaiian House of Representatives, "C'mon, what kind of chance did the trade leave us for grabbing any decent pitchers? None. Maverick, my ass." In a related vote, the legislature passed a measure stating that Ben Affleck should not play Chris Klein in the SL 2001 movie, noting a weak performance by Affleck in the movie 'Pearl Harbor.'
Investigation Reveals Black River Employed Micromanager Blackie Dugan Entire 2001 Season
BLACK RIVER FALLS, WI— Following cryptic late season comments from Owner/GM Ken Klein about how his fate is in his players hands, our investigation has shown Ken did not actually manage in 2001. Blackie Dugan, one of BBW's more hands-off default micromanagers, was actually at the helm for Black River. Sources say Ken may have also used a pre-programmed GM on Draft Day, at least in the 2nd round of the draft. The micromanager allowed Ken to not care about games, and thus control his shirt-tearing temper. It is also believed Ken prefers to play Cribbage, Risk, Diplomacy and Monopoly over the Summer League, and remains in the league solely because his brothers badger him. Our investigative team is also now questioning if Ken actually played the 1977 Phillies season years ago as he has claimed, or if he set up a random dice-roll generator out of the Klein family's IntelliVision game. Ken's only comment was something to do with cooked vegetables providing very little nutrition.
Smoke and Mirrors named co-MVPs for Denali
DENALI, AK— In light of Robb Nen's 15 blown saves, ARod's .237 batting average, Mike Mussina's 6.26 ERA, and the fact that Keith Klein's team was outscored for the second consecutive season, Smoke and Mirrors have been awarded the team MVP for 2001, the club announced. Reputed Analyst Bob Taterka noted "Smoke and Mirrors were vital to Keith's success as he isn't a very good GM, since he keeps drafting teams that get outscored." Taterka added, "if he writes anything negative about me in any Draft Notes -- you know because he's the Dali Lama of how to draft -- I may quit the league." Keith agreed with Bob's analysis, saying he stunk mostly because he was trying to be diligent as the League Watchdog, the position designated to prevent any player over-usage. Upon receiving the award, Smoke did not comment, but Mirrors thanked his teammates, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Angelina Jolie. In a related story, Will Clark was nominated for an ESPY in the category of Great Games for his 3 home run and steal of home game versus Pedro Martinez.
Oversight Committee Notices Dave Veres Pitched 143 Games
MUNDELEIN, IL— The Summer League's Oversight Committee has announced that Gilt Edge Manager Greg Nims overused reliever Dave Veres by more than 70 games. League Watchdog Keith Klein did commend Nims for keeping Veres within his alloted innings, and said that most of the overuse occured during a Nims-o-Rama, so the league's official position is that it "understands the oversight." There is no retribution for the overuse, Klein stated, but sources say that negotiations are underway to restrict Veres from pinch-running in any playoff game. Nims could not be reached for comment, but Gilt Edge Defensive Coordinator Buddy Ryan said he would like to waive the veteran reliever, because "all Veres does is win games."
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Draft Notes Links
Top Story
Gore Delivers Emergency Presidential Address Into Bathroom Mirror
CARTHAGE, TN— Urging the American people to have "courage, faith, and resolve in
this time of trial," Al Gore delivered an emergency presidential address into his
bathroom mirror Tuesday.
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