He that will not reason is a bigot, He that cannot reason is a fool, He that dares not reason is a slave. --William Drummond

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." -Abraham Lincoln

"A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice." - Bill Cosby

You don't stop laughing when you grow old. You grow old when you stop laughing! Have a great day!! - Roxane

'The smile that you send out, returns to you' Indian wisdom

Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." --Bill Cosby

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though
everything is a miracle. " - Albert Einstein

Give me a sense of humor, Lord... Give me the grace to see a joke... To get some humor out of life... And pass it on to other folk." --Anonymous

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. " Mae West

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright.

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

"Grow into your ideals so that life cannot rob you of them."  - Albert Schweitzer

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from."  -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum

Hatred is self-punishment. Hatred is a coward's revenge for being intimidated. --Hosea Ballou
I was strongest when I laughed at my weakness. --Elmer Diktonius

Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist. All dressed up. And no place to go. 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of truck payments.............Patti

"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." Woody Allen.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin

You cannot step into the same river twice. --Heraclitus

"Our problem is not that we aim too high and miss, but that we aim too low and hit." Aristotle
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better." - Ellen DeGeneres

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. —Frieda Norris

"I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best." - Walt Whitman

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For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.
If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

---

 

JokesGalore

The contest with God... 

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed. The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you." God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?" The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?" God: "A man-making contest." The scientist: "Sure! No problem". The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!" God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

---

Taking it with you... 

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and says to him... "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims - "You brought pavement?!!!"

---

The First Profession... 

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. 

"I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me." 

"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was architectural accomplishment." 

"Sure," the politician said.... "But before that, someone had to create the chaos!"

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Did you know that 1 out of every 5 children in the developing world never make it past their 5th birthday? 1 out of every 6

children living in the U.S. still lives in poverty? ---> HELP PLEASE

__________________________________________________

 More than 600 million children live in families that make less than $1 a day? Show you care and offer your support by signing up for Save the Children's FREE enewsletter.  Click here today.

http://psstt.com/1/c/29770/63579/193678/193678

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The Stella Awards.

(Sent to us by Cindy - thanks Cindy!)

 

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury

awarded $2.9 million in damages to an 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered 3rd degree

burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

 

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The cases listed below are clear candidates. They are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet

(in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything.

 

1.) January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers

after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.

The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the

misbehaving little snot was Mrs. Robertson's son.

 

2.) June 1998: A 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when

his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was

someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

 

3.) October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just robbed

by way of the garage. He was unable to get the garage door open since the automatic door opener was

malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and the garage

locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage

for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a bag of dog food. He sued the homeowner's

insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

 

4.) October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being

bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard.

The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by

Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

 

5.) May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA $113,500 after she

slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her

boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 

 

6.) December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring

city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.

This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the

$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

 

And the winner is:

 

7.) Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago

motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the

drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed

and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he could not actually do this.

He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this

court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

---

 

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how blessed he felt to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you would always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you would always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you would always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

---

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over. 
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''
''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

---

A Brief History Of Medicine

I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Submitted by Jenny F.

Think you can do better? Submit your favorite joke.

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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."